Judgey Wudgey was a Bear....

I have been thinking a lot about judgement. Particularly self judgement. Admittedly these last couple of weeks have been challenging for numerous reasons, one of those being that I turn thirty this year and I still haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up. I also ate a lot of chocolate...and cheesecake...and pizza... and drank a lot of wine over the last couple of weeks or so (which always puts a dent in my self-confidence). It is immensely easy to put great expectations on ourselves; I should be a lawyer, I should be a wife, I should have three kids and be a size four...but why do we do that?

Am I doing it because I expect more out of myself? Maybe...but I can tell you that I have been genuinely happy over the last several months. I have lived with severe anxiety problems most of my life and all of my adult life, and until the last couple of years I was crippled by the disorder. But I found a way to cope that has changed my life in an extraordinary way. It's an incredibly simple thing, I asked myself a very basic question: Who am I?  

I started focusing on my energy, my music, my favorite books, my health, my relationships. I quit my career job and suddenly had time to think about who the hell I actually was. Was I a good friend? Was I a good musician? What books did I like to read? I began devoting myself to exploring all of these areas - and it has transformed my life. 

I still have some anxiety, I still pass self judgement. But I am a much happier and healthier person than I have ever been... and yeah, so I'm turning 30 this year - if it starts off half as good as my 20s have been ending then bring it on! 

My name is Dara, and I am addicted to Chick Lit

I fancy myself a strong advocate for women's rights (see previous post) and yet one of my guiltiest pleasures is something many feminist supporters would cringe at: I am an undeniable, absolute fan, and persistent reader of Chick-Lit. There, it's out there, I feel better already.

In case you don't know what Chick-Lit is; think Chick-Flick but in book form. I love it, it makes me happy and I don't have to think too hard. It's not sexy romance, no, I can't even be that mysterious, it's simple one-dimensional girl-meets-boy-but-doesn't-realize-he's-perfect-for-her chick lit. To be even more specific; it's generally written by Irish women.

Despite my rampant enthusiasm for this literature, I have to admit that I am getting tired of the "insecure" female narrative. Whether we're looking at Twilight (loved) 50 Shades of Grey (meh) or one of the Irish lady's that I read (hooray!) it's a similar tale. There is a young, insecure woman who has little to no realization that she is actually quite marvelous and she blunders her way through life until a superhero man comes and rescues her from her impending lifelong gloom.

What about the strong, steady, fun, sexy and adventurous women who have no ulterior motives? The ones who have unbelievable friends and a full happy life? I want to read that story. I want to read about a woman who is comfortable in her skin and her world and moves freely in her body. I think those women are fascinating and I know plenty of them. Maybe she'll fall in love (more than once?!) and her entire life won't come crashing at her feet if it doesn't last. I want to read a story about powerful women like the ones that I love and cheer them on... but I'd rather not write the story myself - hint, hint ...

Modern feminism is making me tired

I have been an avid supporter of feminist movement, I have absorbed knowledge from Simone de Bouvier, bell hooks and Gloria Steinem. I have battled men and women who have aimed ignorance at me based solely on my gender. I have been a victim and a front line supporter of women's rights both mentally and physically and now I am tired of where this is going.

Let me explain; my understanding and support of feminism has always stemmed from the fact that it needed to be OK and acceptable to be a woman in our world. Whether that meant I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother or a CEO, feminism was my ticket (as a woman) to getting the rest of the world on board with understanding that I am capable of whatever I choose to become, however I choose to express myself. 

The other day, I found a social media discussion surrounding a "controversial picture" of little girls holding hands with "Happy girls are the prettiest girls" written underneath it. It was cute, it was sweet, it was meant with good intent, yet piles of women tore this picture apart with the argument that the creator of this picture was promoting the idea that women can only be pretty if they're happy. Enough already! While a piece of me understands the sentiment behind their objection, the majority of me wants to throw my hands up and say, "Stop it!" 

Women all over the internet spent the majority of last week calling Miley Cyrus every ugly name under the sun, yet still deigning to call themselves "feminists." Let me tell you something, that kind of ugliness and hate does not sustain any kind of movement.

If I'm struggling carrying a heavy load and a man walks up offering a hand,  dammit, I'm going to let him help and I'm going to do it with a smile on my face. I am, after all, human - and sometimes I need a little help. I support you, no matter what you choose to do with your life (so long as it's not physically damaging or taking the life away from another human being) I say go for it. Let little girls hear the message that happiness is beauty, because if I've learned anything from life I have to say that happiness is an essential piece in beauty. Lastly, let Miley Cyrus (or any other woman for that matter) express herself however she chooses, if it doesn't hurt you and if you have the choice to take part or not, then let it be. 

We are all navigating this world on a very tight rope, we are all learning how to be women (and men) as we go along. The feminist movement that I support, supports women. 

White Picket Fences

"So I spent last summer going out at night for drinks with this woman I worked with, she's 28 (and single) and I'm not going to judge someone for being older and going out but... seriously" - Literal conversation I had with a co-worker last week.

I wanted to say "I'm 27, asshole" but seeing as how I had just started there (and for all intents and purposes I like her) I decided against this. Instead I said "Oh, yeah, hmmm."


If you're a certain age in rural communities and you're not married and you don't have children, people wonder what your purpose is. Well, that's a fine question, and from time to time I ask myself the same damn thing. I don't feel purpose-less,  but it does make you reflect on the ideas and things that you want out of life. Without question, I want a partner in life, whether we marry or not I could care less. The kids?? Iffy, that's entirely up to the future.

I picture my life as a series of small (and often times idiotic) movements. I'm looking for a partner who doesn't think I'm nuts, but thinks I'm "whimsy" and "fun." And someone who I can come home to after work and say "I heard about this small town in Puerto Rico, let's move there for six months!", pack their bags that night and get the hell out of town. If you meet this man - send him my way.

Functional Adult Lesson: I learned this a while ago - just because somebody else's choices are completely opposite of what you want out of life, does not make them less important. And if you're honest with yourself, you can see the beauty in what they desire.

And where did you say you were from?

So about a week and half ago I moved back to Alaska for the summer to save money to move again in a few months... it sounds like an unrealistic choice but it made and still makes perfect sense to me.

I had a serving job all lined up for the summer about a month before I even got to town, that's right folks, I'm ambitious. This means I had two days off before jumping right into work again. Everyone that I work with is lovely, albeit young and perhaps a bit "small town" but let's be realistic here, I grew up on an island and have lived in a mountain town for ten years - so, I'm "small town" too.

I remember working at a hotel a few years back and my boss telling me to stop talking about myself and ask the customers more questions about themselves, as I recall it he said "people aren't interested in other people, they just want someone to ask them about themselves." This is true. Very few people have asked me anything about myself, but they sure are eager to jump into a story that they wish to tell. I could ask them a personal question and have a thirty minute response - if I chose to listen that long.

I believe this is teaching me another lesson about being a "functional adult": You become less juvenile about your self-absorption and learn which events merit it and which times you just ask "And where did you say you were from?".

Functional Adults

As a child I pictured adulthood in a very specific way. It involved a pink Cadillac and a super hot husband who was my High School sweetheart and had been the captain of his football team (we didn't have football where I grew up, so this was extra fantastical) and a whole load of really attractive and talented children. That vision evolved as I grew to be more realistic in my endeavors, but it was usually a dream based on some variant of the same idea.

It's been about eight or nine years since I thought that my life would evolve into the aforementioned dream, and as I continue to get older my vision of adulthood has drastically changed. I am 27, this is no longer my 'early 20's', and I cannot pretend that marriage and child-rearing is something that I think every "adult" should have.

Over the last two years I have had my first real adult job, it's been amazing, and aside from the occasional panic attack that I have "zero" idea of what I am doing, it has been rewarding and grown-up. Unlike what I would have pictured as a child, I have chosen to quit this job to try out an entirely new life. I will be moving next week to spend the summer with my family in Alaska.

Here are the things I know so far about adulthood: I can eat ice cream whenever I damn well please, I have to pay bills so that I have a place to sleep, it's advisable to find jobs/careers with good health insurance and that nothing looks quite like you thought it would from this angle...